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Eclipsă la Sarmizegetusa

– Din MISA s-au desprins două secte. Nu mai e niciun secret pentru nimeni că cea mai bine plătită meserie în România e aia de guru. Strîngi o sută – două sute de enoriaşi, le spui o poveste frumoasă şi trebuie numai să ţii buzunarul deschis.

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Mi se hurducă rinichii pe drumul spre Cetate şi naşu îmi face introducerea în subiect. Urcăm pe Valea Grădiştei, pe malul pîrîului e gheaţă, drumul e un şirag de cratere, mi se zgîlţîie stomacul, splina, maţele de tot soiul, băga-v-aţi în cur avizele, aprobările şi proiectele, cu stîlpi cu tot. La nouă dimineaţa drumu-i pustiu. Brilinsky şi cu mine, la căutat de urinişti şi alţi rătăciţi, bănuiţi că urcă de eclipsă la Sarmizegetusa Regia, să facă spirală, să o încingă în grup, să-şi frece nădragii de pietrele dacice.

Doi băieţi ca odinioară, pierduţi într-un nor de praf, dimineaţa pe-un drum, la vînătoare de umbre pe Soare.

Naşu-i dă-nainte:

– Deviaţioniştii sau sectanţii din MISA şi-au făcut, fiecare, grupul lor. În momentul ăsta, cred că la Sarmizegetusa vin, sau veneau pînă am intrat în administraţie, în jur de 40 de secte de genul ăsta. De la vindecătoarea Maria din Piteşti la Dimitriu Claudian din Asociaţia Sfîntul Apostol Andrei, rămăşiţe din MISA, echipa lui Oreste, tot felul. Fiecare cu gurul lui şi fiecare, în esenţă, cu aceeaşi idee: venim în locul sfînt, plin de energie, să ne încărcăm. Bun, de aici, se diferenţiază: cum ne încărcăm? Stînd în cur, stînd în cap, stînd în mîini, rugîndu-ne, făcînd cruce cu două degete, nefăcînd, tăcînd, urlînd, unii stau în lotus, alţii stau în cap – fiecare îşi ia energia altfel.

Praf ca dracu. Drumul ba se lărgeşte ba se îngustează, e zgîrmat, în stînga, cu un şanţ adînc – după ce a înghiţit milioane şi a ghiftuit pe mulţi. Trecem pe lîngă locurile de vile ale peneliştilor hunedoreni. Unul lîngă altul, bună afacere. Naşe, fii bun şi opreşte. Oprim un pic, unde valea se lărgeşte. Sturza are aici. Je m’excuse, mon colonel, mais j’ai arrosé un peu votre jardin. La drum, mai departe:

– Unul dintre guru ăştia avea discipolii pe clase. De la clasa întîi pînă la clasa a noua. El, guru, Dimitriu Claudian, era singurul care avea clasa a noua şi zicea că vorbeşte direct cu Dumnezeu. Şi el avea în mintea lui că toate plintele de andezit de la Sarmizegetusa sînt, de fapt, nişte CD-uri ale dacilor, pe care sînt înmagazinate informaţii şi singurul CD player capabil să le citească este mintea lui.

Chestia asta a prins şi s-a perpetuat şi la ceilalţi care s-au desprins din Asociaţia lui. Şi de ce s-au desprins? Fiindcă în Asociaţie erau şi oameni deştepţi, care îşi făceau lecţiile frumos şi învăţau să găsească apă (examenul pentru categoria întîi) pînă la găsirea altor obiecte, la categoriile superioare. Şi oamenii au început să promoveze. Categoria întîi, a doua, a şaptea, a opta, hopaaa, domne, păi dăm şi noi pentru a noua. Cît o fi vrut domnul comandor să îi ţină pe loc, n-a putut, că oamenii au fost deştepţi, sînt doctori, procurori, ingineri, avocaţi, de toate felurile. Și au reușit să ajungă și în treapta a noua – dar Dumnezău ioc, că n-au putut vorbi cu Dumnezău. Şi atunci gurul Claudian a mai creat încă trei trepte şi acum el este de treapta a douăsprezecea! Singurul care poate vorbi cu Dumnezău!

Şi ce conţin CD-urile alea nu împărtăşeşte cu nimeni.

El este promotorul, de fapt, a ceea ce e la modă acum în presă, cu reţeaua de tuneluri de sub Sarmizegetusa şi cu oraşul subteran de acolo – nişte prosii, de altfel, cît casa!

– Deci tu mă duci să întîlnim o trupă de nebuni, naşe, de-asta m-ai luat?

– Mergem să întîlnim, probabil, peste o sută de oameni, două, nu ştiu cîţi o fi, pensiunile sînt pline acum, şi, cu siguranţă, nu dintr-o singură sectă. De obicei avem scandal cu ei, pentru că, existînd un regulament de vizitare, cu care tu şi cu soră-ta nu sînteţi de acord în totalitate, ei trebuie să-l respecte şi nu există negociere. Nu-l respectă – jandarmii îşi fac datoria, oamenii de pază la fel, dacă iese cu scandal scoatem şi bîtele din pădure şi iac-aşa.

Al dracu naşu.

Hurducaţi bine, prăfuiţi, cu perpectiva bătăii cu bîtele cu o ceată de discipoli mînaţi de un guru care citeşte CD-uri de andezit cu capul, mîncaţi-aş sufletul tău, naşe, ajungem la poarta Cetăţii.

Pustiu, tataie!

Ba nu, e Remus de la Mediafax, vreo cinci jandarmi, alţi cîţiva oameni de la pază şi trei cîini mici, la care le-a adus Nunu mîncare. Apar şi băieţii de la Antena 1.

Timpul trece, acuşi vine eclipsa şi din josul drumului nu mai apare nimeni. Frig. Ne tragem mucii şi ne facem poze unii altora, în parcare.

Hai, mă, să intrăm, că acuşi se face întuneric.

Mergem şi ne apucăm de pozat terasele goale pe lat, pe înalt, în dungă, în contre-jour, prin sticlă afumată la lumînare, prin celofan de la flori. Căţeii au adormit la soare, cît mai e el soare. Nici ţipenie. Nici pasăre nu croncăne.

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Şi apar!

Două femei coboară dealul.

Există Dumnezeu, Zamolxe, Sfîntul Andrei, Maria de la Piteşti! Speranţa noastră renaşte!

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Se duc aţă la sanctuarele mici, se crăcănează, desfac braţele şi înţepenesc cu capul pe spate şi privirea spre soarele care păleşte.

Nu le-a făcut nimeni, în viaţa lor, atîtea poze cîte le-am făcut noi.

Trece Nunu al meu, cu teleobiectivul, pe lîngă ele:

– Uite ce sculă mare are domnul – zice cea mai plinuţă

Mai că nu urlăm de fericire. Asta-i parola! Ele trebuie să fie, ele, adeptele, enoriaşele, au venit, în cele din urmă.

Grasa se dă în vorbă cu Remus:

– Acum e perfect să lucrezi cu energiile, ţi se acutizează simţurile. Aici sînt trei amfiteatre: al gîndirii, simţirii şi al voinţei. Te duci acolo, în care vrei, şi te rogi la Doamne-Doamne să-ţi dea ce vrei. Şi funcţionează.

Se uită pieziş spre jandarmi şi paznici:

– Noi lucram mult aici cu energiile, dar acum nu ne mai lasă ăştia. Se aliniază astrele acum, se suprapun planetele peste nudurile lunare. E o zi de lucru la amfiteatrele de la cetăţi de nu se poate! Eu vin aici de şapte ani. Era murdar, într-adevăr, acum e curat, dar nu e ca înainte. Am înţeles că vor să pună pază şi la cetăţi, atunci nu mai e aşa frumos.

Trage cu ochiul spre aparatele foto:

– Eu în 2010, tot aici, am făcut poze cu entităţi de lumină, care au apărut pe cameră. Era zăpadă cît China şi au apărut entităţile.

Nevăzută decît prin celofanul de la flori, eclipsa a trecut. Căţeii dorm pe coastă. Doamnele s-au întors la încărcat, în plin soare. Asta-i schizofrenie paranoidă – îi zice Remus unui jandarm cu mustaţă. Poate doar o personalitate dizarmonică – răspunde jandarmul.

Naşe, vreau acasă!

 

Alin BENA

Comments

comments

cioaravopsita

275 Comments

  1. Mi-a plăcut! Însă:
    Cu „Personalitatea Dizarmonică” spusă de jandarm, m-ai spart!

    • Declaraţia jandarmului este absolut autentică, Mihai. E veritabilă, ăla-i farmecul. După atîţi ani petrecuţi acolo, s-a familiarizat omul cu termenii din psihiatrie

  2. Jandarmul ala, de ce nu-si face si el un grup si sa-i faca concurenta cititorului in CD-uri de andezit? La ce termeni baga, i-ar lua adeptii imediat! Fain stilul, faina descrierea celor cateva specimene care au sarit garduletul!

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