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Petrică la Primărie – file de jurnal. Fac scoverzi pentru Marea Sărbătoare

petrică 1Jurnalule, îs pe fugă, că vine o săptămînă grea. M-au pus ăştia să lipesc prin oraş afişe cu Chiorul, să-l dăm jos, să plece dracului. Şi n-am cu cine lucra: ţiganii de la Spaţii Verzi au plecat toţi la Londra, la Olimpiada Portofelelor, secretarele mi le-a luat PSD-ul, că-i trebuie prospătură lui Mazăre pentru o treabă de partid pe Litoral şi-i musai să contribuim, cei trei membri PC din judeţ  îs la Şcoala de Vară de la Rahova sau Jilava, că ţine Năstase un curs interesant de furat, plagiat direct după nişte cercetători ucrainieni. Cică au şi o parte practică, la ateliere, original rromânească, unde îi învaţă cum să te tai pe burtă cînd vine potera să te salte, dacă n-ai pistol.

Bun, deci n-are cine să lipească afişele ălea, aşa că mi-am făcut coif dintr-un ziar în care a apărut un interviu cu Mine, am luat bidineaua şi găleata cu aracet şi mă-ncleiez noaptea cu Chiorul şi cu maidanezii pe sub garduri, mama ei de viaţă! Am ajuns să-l urăsc şi mai mult, mai ales că nişte picături de aracet mi-au năclăit bucla mea favorită de pe frunte, aia din dreapta, şi nu se duce nici măcar cu apă. Mori, Băsescule!

M-am gîndit să fac o secţie de votare şi în telecabina care urcă pe Cetate. Ştampilezi şi urci gratis, dacă eşti un cetăţean responsabil, care te uiţi regulat la Gîdea şi Badea. Votezi DA şi urci MOCÁ! Coborîtul e pe jos, mai dă-i dracu de viermi prostiţi la televizor, nu mai stric curentul pe ei, să facă paşi că nu mi-i mai trebuie pînă-n toamnă! Şi-i numa bine, că în tunel e a doua secţie de votare, unde trebuie să mai ştampileze o dată, dacă vor să ajungă întregi pe la casele lor.

Aii, că nu vin ăia cu Flacăra Democraţiei şi prin Deva, să le fac io spectacol! În fîntîna cîntătoare de la Cal le-o arunc, cu mîna mea, cînd e jetul mai puternic şi mai colorat în roşu. În uralele moșilor întărîtați! Să sfîrîie ca în cazanul iadului! Şi transmit în direct şi la televiziunea mea şi la a lui Moloţ, pe muzică de Wartburg ăla, care am auzit că-i tare și-i plăcea și lui Hicler, şi comentat din studio de Panfutie, Nicula şi Ţîmpău, să moară dujmanii mei! Şi-o să le arăt şi curul, ca să poată intra şi seara pe Antenă, la emisiunea lui Capatos. Cu trei camere filmez!

Mie-mi place de noii mei colegi, că lucrează ştiinţific. Acum că, practic, am cam scăpat de Chior, Mafia ne-a ordonat să ne ocupăm deja de alegerile parlamentare. S-au făcut grupe de antenament pentru candidaţii noştri, iar mie mi-a fost repartizată doamna Mariana, care vrea să candideze din nou în Ţinutul Pădurenilor. Aşa că am luat-o acasă şi o antrenez în fiecare seară, cînd nu intră în direct la Antena 3 şi RTV. Am urcat-o pe un scaun din bucătărie, io stau în faţa ei, lîngă frigider,  în iţari, cămeşă şi pălărie verde cu pene  şi ea trebuie să îmi strige că o să-mi crească salariul şi pensia, iar eu trebuie să o fac să mănînce slănină şi ceapă şi să bea ţuică, fără să comenteze. Pentru că, se ştie: pădurenii sînt ospitalieri şi pun botul la promisiuni, dar feri-Doamne să îi refuzi cînd te îmbie cu slană şi ţuică!

Aşa că doamna Mariana a înghiţit pînă acum trei table de slănină, o funie de ceapă,  şi a golit o sticlă de plastic de doi litri cu pălncă de Lunca Cernii, fără să cîrtească prea mult. O mai aud noaptea gemînd uşor, dar n-am ce-i face, dacă vrea un nou mandat. N-ar vrea să ştie ce a trebuit să înghit EU ca să ajung primar!

Problema e că a fost caniculă în Deva, am ţinut geamurile deschise şi cred c-a tras-o curentul. I s-a blocat puţin mandibula şi nu prea poate deschide gura să strige că-mi creşte salariul şi pensia, dar am rezolvat-o şi pe asta. I-am pus pe ăia de la televiziunea mea s-o înregistreze audio şi acum face, sărăcuţa, play-back, mişcă numai din buze. A ieşit bine, zici că-i real. În weekend, că-i sărbătoarea Demiterii Chiorului, îi variez puţin meniul, o să-i dau scoverzi pădureneşti, făcute pe picior. Pe piciorul meu, se înţelege, ca să aibă toate ingredientele scoverzilor autentice, adică şi floci. Să-i ajute Dumnezeu, Iehova şi Muhamad Ali să reuşească! Altfel, mă beleşte Mafia!

(va urma)

Comments

comments

cioaravopsita

193 Comments

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