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“Vei fi o femeie straşnică”

calmSfârşit de iulie, în urmă cu nouă ani. O zi frumoasă, perfectă, cum numai vara poate fi. Priveam amândoi cum luciul apei din baraj nu era deranjat de nimic, oglindind brazii, cerul, norii cu formele lor ciudate, însă gheara din jurul inimii contrazicea liniştea sub care domneau furtuni.
Nu am crezut că sunt în stare să vorbesc, dar cuvintele au ieşit, gâtuite:
– Şi ce o să mă fac eu fără tine? Cum merg mai departe?
– O, fii pe pace! Vei deveni o femeie straşnică! Sunt sigur de asta. Va fi urât o vreme. După aceea te vei lua cu viaţa şi vei uita. Când îţi vei aminti, nu va mai fi ca acum, îmi spune, zâmbind.
– Cum ai putea şti?
– Ştiu. E simplu. Simt. Cunosc. Ştiu cum vei fi peste 10 ani. Vei fi departe.
– …. Şi ea? Ce va face ea fără tine?
Ochii i se îngustează, iar buzele i se strâng, aşa cum face de fiecare dată când e deranjat de ceva.
– Şi ea va fi bine. Va iubi. Va avea copii. Şi poate e mai bine aşa. Noi ne-am dezvăluit partea frumoasă a firilor noastre. Nu avem cum să ne dezamăgim, să ajungem să ne întrebăm dacă alegerile noastre au fost corecte sau nu.
Apoi a tăcut, fiind furaţi amândoi de gândurile noastre. M-a condus acasă şi, în faţa blocului, mi-a sărutat mâna: „Ana, nu uita! Vei fi o femeie straşnică. Am încredere în tine”.
Şase luni mai târziu, a adormit în moarte, răpus de o formă agresivă de cancer, la numai 30 de ani. Săptămâni întregi mi-am amintit de discuţiile noastre despre muzică, despre cărţi, despre dragostea lor frumoasă, pe care-mi doream s-o trăiesc şi eu cândva.
Zilele trecute am revăzut-o pe ea. Este mai frumoasă ca niciodată, cu doi copii de mână, pe care-i ducea la grădiniţă. Copiii ei. Ai ei şi ai altui bărbat. Am vorbit puţin. Ce poţi povesti cu un om pe care nu l-ai văzut de nişte ani? Legăturile se rup, oricât ne-am agăţa de iluzia prieteniei care rezistă zeci de ani, dincolo de distanţe şi pauze.
El a avut dreptate doar într-o privinţă. Da, „ne-am luat cu viaţa” şi am uitat de el. Sunt rare momentele în care, dintr-un sertar al memoriei, apare zâmbind fericit, cu părul ciufulit de vânt, în timp ce mă roagă să le fac o fotografie.
Însă nu, nu sunt „o femeie straşnică”. Sunt construită din temeri, confuzie, tristeţe şi multă nefericire. Şi mă întreb, obsesiv, de la o vreme, dacă alegerile din viaţa mea au fost bune, dacă pot dezamăgi şi pot fi dezamăgită mai mult de atât.

 

Anamaria SANDA

 

Comments

comments

cioaravopsita

307 Comments

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